CombatCritic's TravelValue™: October 2025

CombatCritic™ ... World traveler - 42 countries and counting; Military Leader - Four combat operations; Amateur chef; Published author and producer - over 4 million visitors on seven platforms! Yelp "Black" Elite '14/'15/ '16/ '17/ '18/ '19 / '20/ '21/ '22 / '23 / '24 / ´25; TripAdvisor ¨Local Guide¨, Zomato "VERIFIED CONNOISSEUR"; Booking.com "GENIUS"; and Foursquare "INSIDER". On the Front Lines in the Battle Against Mediocrity - Follow Me To TravelValue™ ... That's A Freakin' Order!

Thursday, October 16, 2025

Washougal, WA: We Walked Into A Trap, But Won't Be Coming Through That Door Anytime Soon

Trap Door Brewery

1834 Main Street

Washougal, WA 98671

(360) 314-6966

trapdoorbrewing.com/home

Prices: $$$$

$17 for a 5-inch Italian sub and $9 for a pint? Give me a break!

The food was meh, the servers couldn’t crack a smile if their lives depended on it, and the prices are flat-out insulting. I just spent 4+ years in Europe where inflation was the same (thanks Joe), yet restaurant prices didn’t skyrocket like they have here. The only explanation: good old-fashioned American greed.

The fondue was decent and the best value on the menu.

That “Italian sub” barely stretched six inches and had a whisper of meat and cheese. At best, it was worth $10 … maybe. Charging $17 is highway robbery with a pickle on the side.

Washougal doesn’t need another overpriced brewpub—there are already too many of those, along with sushi joints and Chinese takeout. A mom & pop Italian restaurant with red and white checker tablecloths and candles melting down Chianti bottles would be a welcome sight this side of Olive Garden. This was our first visit and it will be our last.

CombatCritic gives Trap Door Brewery 4 Bombs Out Of 10 … More Bombs Are Better … Unless You’re On The Receiving End!

Four Bombs Equates To:

Translation for Civilians: "Bend Over, Here It Comes Again"

Vancouver, WA: Not a lotta France in this so-called French joint, mon ami

La Provence

17719 SE Mill Plain Blvd

Vancouver, WA 98683

Phone number: (360) 946-4250

provencepdx.com

Prices: $$$$

Walked into La Provence expecting Paris ... got Portland with a beret. Other than croissants and baguettes, there's not much waving the tricolor here.

My Mission: Bourguignon Brunch - $21

Braised beef in a "red wine ancho chili sauce" over a battlefield of butternut squash, bacon, leek, potato, green pepper, harissa, and jalapeño, topped with an egg and horseradish crème. Sounds tactical, right? Wrong. The butternut squash threw a frag into the operation -- mushy, weirdly sweet, and out of place. Beef was MIA on flavor.

My Wife's Objective: Strawberry Pistachio Praline French Toast - $17

A brioche stuffed with strawberry crème, topped with strawberries, whipped cream, pistachio praline, orange crème, and cardamom sugar. Over-the-top? Sure. But she was grinning like a Parisian on leave, so mission accomplished on that front.

The Final Insult: Éclair - $7.50

Seven-fifty ... for a pastry smaller than a 9mm mag? You've gotta be kidding me. I've eaten better out of a French MRE.

Bottom Line: Not bad, not great. If they actually served real French food -- cassoulet, escargot, beef bourguignon, coq au vin -- I might saddle up again. Until then, this is just "Washington Provence."

CombatCritic Gives La Provence 5 Bombs Out Of 10 ... More Bombs Are Better - Unless You're On The Receiving End ... HOOAH!

💣💣💣💣💣

Five Bombs Equates To:

Translation for Civilians: "Continue Mission"

MENU

Vancouver, WA: No Veal, No Deal - Olive Garden Delivers Mediocrity with a Side of Sticker Shock

We came for the all-you-can-eat soup, salad, and breadsticks -- the Holy Trinity of corporate Italian cuisine -- and yeah, they come free with a lunch special. The catch? Lunch specials are only Monday through Friday until 3pm. We showed up on a Saturday. Oops. Missed it by that much.

My wife ordered the Fettuccine Alfredo -- $12.49 on the lunch menu, $17.49 for dinner. I went with the Chicken Parmigiana, which jumped from a manageable $13.49 at lunch to an eyebrow-raising $21.49. So when the bill came out to damn near $55, I nearly spit out my overpriced Diet Coke.

To his credit, the server offered to grab the manager and maybe knock the prices back down to lunch levels. But I declined. I missed the fine print. My bad. That's called integrity, folks -- look it up.

The salad? Fresh, sure. But whoever's in the back manning the vinegar bottle went full Molotov cocktail. I like tang, but this was a salt-and-acid bomb. The Zuppa Toscana was watery, with a sausage-to-potato ratio so low it might've qualified as vegetarian. Not awful, just ... meh. Breadsticks? Still the MVP -- soft, salty, and piping hot.

The wife liked her Alfredo. My chicken parm and limp spaghetti? It was food. That's about as glowing as I can get. But hey, it's Olive Garden -- it's not like we walked in expecting Nonna to come out of the kitchen.

And for the love of God and every Italian who's ever lived, how in the hell are there so few decent Italian restaurants in Portland? And don't even get me started on the complete disappearance of veal. No veal marsala, veal parmigiana, or saltimbocca alla romana? What in the Fettuccine Alfredo is going on here folks? Somebody kill me a baby cow already -- I need my veal fix, dammit!

CombatCritic Gives Olive Garden 5 Bombs Out Of 10 ... More Bombs Are Better ... Unless You're On The Receiving End ... HOOAH!

Five Bombs Equates To:

Translation for Civilians: "Continue Mission"

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Washougal, WA: We Walked Into A Trap, But Won't Be Coming Through That Door Anytime Soon

Thursday, October 16, 2025

Washougal, WA: We Walked Into A Trap, But Won't Be Coming Through That Door Anytime Soon

Vancouver, WA: Not a lotta France in this so-called French joint, mon ami

Vancouver, WA: No Veal, No Deal - Olive Garden Delivers Mediocrity with a Side of Sticker Shock

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